Thursday, February 21, 2008

A modest proposal

Since Republicans these days are fond of parroting Democrats on their issues but with a low-fat twist, I have an idea for John McCain to kill two birds with one stone (That’s just a figure of speech by the way. Obviously it would be wrong to harm one of the native creatures of Mother Earth, and worse to harm many. Avifauna genocide should never be tolerated. Never again. It is equally wrong to disturb the pristine landscape by removing stones. That single stone could be essential habitat for any number of species. Unless you’re a Palestinian and you’re throwing rocks at Jews [Jooos], it is not okay.)

The grand church of liberalism these days resides in Global Warmism and its Holy Grail the Kyoto Protocols. But even the Kool-Aide drinkers of the Movement only predict negligible reductions in global warming over 100 years if the Protocols were enacted today. The right has been claiming for years that the Kyoto Protocols, if enacted in the U.S., would reduce our economic output to such a level that the Great Depression would seem like a bad hair day. Not only that but China and India are exempted from the Sacred Protocols and would be free to pollute to their hearts’ content. All this is true but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. In fact, the constant drumbeat in the legacy media seems to be shifting public opinion toward believing that the situation, as Otter would say, “absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.”

Here’s where McCain can steal the left’s thunder. He should propose that the U.S. build a colossal air conditioning appliance for the entire planet. It would have to be massive, roughly the size of New Jersey. In fact, that seems like as good a place as any to put it. There’s a good chance no one would notice the difference.

The key to this plan’s success is in the building process. It would essentially be a new TVA. The Colossal Air Conditioning Appliance, or CACA for short, should employ millions. Every current welfare recipient should be sent to New Jersey to become gainfully employed making CACA. We could even hire the homeless mentally challenged as designers. They could sit in a big room and throw CACA ideas at each other all day (then hug). Just imagine how it would help their self-esteem to work on the biggest piece of CACA the world has ever seen. This would also virtually ensure that the building process would never be complete. But that’s the beauty of it!

Now I can already hear some of you nay saying engineers out there. “How can you possibly cool the earth with a giant piece of CACA sitting in New Jersey? Your refrigerator can’t cool your kitchen. You have to exhaust the heat somewhere.” First, quit being such a dweeb. Try kissing a girl sometime. Second, you’re missing the point. Remember the wisdom of Otter. If we’re already 2/3 of the way toward doing something massively expensive, economically ruinous, and its supporters claim at best only negligible end benefits, all for the sake of making an offering to the gods of Global Warmism, I think we could at least reap the benefit of getting the riffraff off the streets.

In this one simple plan we can house the homeless, employ the unemployed, end welfare through work, bring back America’s manufacturing sector, and show the world that we are proactive and concerned about global warming, thereby restoring America’s sullied reputation in the global community. We could even paint the thing rainbow colored and achieve equal rights for all our citizens.

McCain, I hope your people are paying attention.

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