Dear President Bush,
It looks likely that John McCain will be the Republican Presidential nominee in 2008. I find this distasteful to say the least. And with all due respect, I think you are to blame. Now, I don't mean you are to blame in the way Democrats mean it when they speak of blowing up those levies in New Orleans, steering the hurricane there to drown dark people, blowing up those buildings in New York and Washington D.C., blaming it on dark people, etc. I think it's your fault because you chose to eschew conservative principles and label yourself a "compassionate conservative" instead. I believe this diluted the conservative/Republican brand. After 7+ years of your rule, people are confused about what it means to be conservative. This created a wide-open hole for John McCain to slither in and fool the slow and inattentive in our party.
The good news in all this is twofold, 1) McCain does have some redeeming qualities, 2) you can fix this problem (or at least help to avert disaster). McCain's most redeeming quality is his steadfast support for the war on terror. And you can tie his hands in that regard. Things are going pretty well in Iraq. Afghanistan could use some more attention but is certainly redeemable. Let's just get NATO out of the mix and do it ourselves. This unfortunately creates a complacency for the next commander in chief, but also an opportunity for you.
You see, John McCain can be distracted from his plans to grant amnesty to illegal aliens and raise taxes while appointing new David Souters to the Supreme Court. The best way to do that is to tie him down with important terrorist-killing duties. This is an area where we can all agree. That is why I make this proposal: let's bomb Iran. After all, they're practically begging for it. You've only got a few more months before your term is up. Clearly your response to the terrorist war against us will be the defining issue of your presidency. So bring it on home by droppin' da bomb on Tehran.